Resting on Bedrock

It's been nearly ten years since I attended my first Progoff workshop, and seven years since I attended my last.  It's been nearly five years since I started this blog. When I started it, I anticipated having become a leader for the Intensive Journal by now. Nothing has stopped me except myself. I'm simply not ready.

Will I ever lead a workshop? Jon Progoff encouraged me strongly. When I entered the Advanced Study program, he asked me, "What took you so long?" After spending eight months doing the preliminary work, he said I was ready to organize a workshop.

It's true that my father became ill, lingered and then died. It's true that my four grandchildren were born one right after the other. It's true that my job claims the best of my energy. It's also true that I dislike the prospect of having to organize my own workshop. I made some contacts, attended some meetings, and tried to interest appropriate people in sponsoring workshops, and wasted my time. 

Then I froze.

I disliked the phone calls, the publicizing, the selling, organizing and all the rest of what must be done before a workshop occurs, and therein lies the ostensible reason for my failure to have become an active leader by now. I'm an introvert.

If I dig deeper (and I have) I make contact with the part of myself that thinks I'm not good enough, and that people will not only not attend, but worse, will attend and not have an enriching experience, because I will not have done a good enough job.

If I dig deeper than that (and I have) I find that I've already reached bedrock. Blasting through bedrock would not be an advisable venture at this stage of my development. I think I'll rest here somewhat longer. If anyone wants to know, I will say that my father became ill and died, my grandchildren were born, and my job claims the lion's share of my energy.

The rest of it is mine, and mine alone, to accept and work with when I'm ready. If I am never ready, I will have to accept that, too.